Laughable Logic

Lately one of my children has been impossible to reason with. Relatively. Because I don't think my children have perfect reasoning skills. I once watched a neighbor in Logan try to reason with her very spoiled three-year-old. It was ugly. At that point in time I decided to never debate anything with any child under the age of five and to have limited discussions with any other child. I still haven't decided if I will try reasoning with teenagers--I have about 6 months to develop some kind of plan for that.

Anyway. It's Ethan. Yesterday I woke him up at 7:15 so he could be ready to leave for church at 8:30. I woke him up several times (and I knew he was awake because I was getting ready to give him a "buzz" on his belly and he started giggling). Finally, at 8:15 I told him that he'd better hurry because he had to have a bath or shower and be dressed and ready to go or else I would leave him and he could wait for Dad to pick him up. I'm fairly certain that would be unpleasant because he jumped out of bed and headed straight for the tub. He was ready in time--whew--but he was furious when I told him he would not have time for breakfast. He said to me: "WHAT?!! You KNEW I would be hungry!" I just looked at him and tried not to smile and said: "Yes. Yes I did. Which is why I woke you up over an hour ago!" He said: "But you KNEW I would be HUNGRY!" Sigh. I had to sigh or else I was going to just laugh out loud and I'm pretty sure that would have ended unpleasantly... We just left at that point...

So last night Eva was sniffling (she has a cold) and Ethan said "Blow your nose." She ignored him as big sisters generally do with little brothers--that or whack them upside the head or arm, anyway. A few minutes later we heard "EVA! GO BLOW YOUR NOSE NOW!" We had to intervene at that point and tell him that he shouldn't yell at his sister. He replied with (drum roll) "But SHE told ME to blow MY nose a few days ago!!" Okay, so maybe the drum roll was really my eyes rolling. We ignored that and everything was quiet for the next five minutes or so until Eva started blowing her nose...and blowing...still blowing.........and.....blowing some more. At this point Ethan was just about beside himself and couldn't help but yell, "STOP BLOWING YOUR NOSE!" I thought this was hilarious, but managed to contain it to a chuckle and say, "But Ethan--YOU told her to blow it!" He responded with "But she's doing it on PURPOSE!"

Some Friendly Advice...

Dear Librarian,

I love going to the library! I enjoy bringing my kids and helping them find books and appreciate how it feeds their love for learning. Perusing your shelves in that quiet, peaceful atmosphere is relaxing and refreshing...

We do our best to return books in a timely matter. I believe in taking responsibility for overdue items...I'm sure you know this because you can see that we have replaced and/or paid for books in the past. We always pay our fines and never complain...I like to think that in our own way we are contributing to the 'buy more books' fund...maybe this is why we pay more fines than many other people.

A few weeks ago I received a notice that we had a book long overdue--it was a surprise to me, but I initiated a 2-week search! We searched our vehicles, under/in/around all the furniture, in all the dresser drawers, kitchen cabinets, garage (please don't ask why--we were desperate), through every book in our personal library, closets, ...... everywhere we could think of!!! I even crawled under my children's beds--please don't judge me for not wanting to explain exactly why this was such a big deal for me--you're a librarian, use your imagination...

Finally, I gave up and decided we would have to replace this book...past experience has taught me that I can do this 60-70% less on my own than from you (I've always wondered why) so I came to the library to pay the fine so I wouldn't incur more fines while I waited for my order to come in to replace the book. Imagine my surprise/relief/annoyance/frustration/anger to be told that I don't have a fine for that book, nor is it overdue. Apparently, you accidentally shelved the book without checking it in and didn't discover your mistake until another patron went to check the book out at which time you checked the book in (finally), cleared the book from my account so I wouldn't receive fines (thank you, by the way, for that), and then checked the book out to the next patron. So why am I frustrated and angry?!

Because you MISSED a step!!! You should NOTIFY me of your error so I don't waste DAYS of my life stressing, searching, being annoyed with my children! A simple phone call, message, note in the mail would suffice...it's not a big deal really. I just need to know!!!

Sincerely,
A Mom Buying Books this Week

PS--if you are a school librarian, thanks so much for your patience and for checking out another book to my 5-year-old even when we couldn't locate the one he already had checked out. The whole family looked everywhere because we know that when he goes to the library with his class he has to lay his head down on the table if he does not have his book. After 3 weeks of that thanks for telling me to wait to buy the book! You know your teachers well--Nathan's teacher had it THE WHOLE TIME! Which wouldn't bother me if he didn't have to lay his head on the table instead of quietly looking at books...

Note to self: It's not always the kids' fault the books are missing...check the library/classroom BEFORE crawling under beds!

Family Home Evening

We started with a song chosen by Eva, I Know My Father Lives. I picked the starting note and it was in a lower key because I didn't want to sing high and Eva spent the whole time frowning because it was in a different key than the one in the book--near perfect/perfect pitch IS a curse!

Ethan offered a prayer which was uneventful and sweet because he prayed that his siblings would be healthy--he was home quite sick yesterday.

Nathan had scripture and it was at this point that I realized I forgot to help him with it. No problem! He knew he had the scripture and he had his scriptures out and open to a page and started "reading"--rather, relating a story. None of us were quite sure about the specifics but there was a lot of fighting, some death, Nephi, the Lord, and help. This went on for almost 5 minutes. At the beginning I offered to help, but he declined. 3 minutes into it Vince offered more assertive assistance and was rebuffed. We eventually just sat and listened and smiled at each other and tried not to giggle. In the end, "the Lord helped Nephi".

Next was the lesson and I was in charge of that. It was a good lesson (about Repentance) until I asked Vince if he could explain a scripture and he explained it differently than I anticipated, resulting in a healthy discussion between he and I. The kids found this very amusing and quickly picked "sides". (Ethan woke up this morning and asked who was right and I told him we both were and explained it to him--Vince didn't say anything and I started to ask him if that was right and then decided I didn't really want to know and it didn't really matter anyway and Vince didn't offer anything so--all's well that ends well!) The irony that it was mom and dad engaging in distracting discussion during FHE was not lost on me--or the kids. During last night's discussion Ivy handed out her activity, a coloring page, and the kids all colored, ate cookies (Dad's treat), and listened to Mom and Dad have a gospel discussion. Good times.

Friday Funnies

Ethan: "Mom, when Dad dies do I get the golf clubs? Because he has a nice wooden driver. They don't make those anymore." Which is funny because he's never been golfing for real. Ever.

Ivy: "MOM, I need to tell you something important! If you are by a volcano and you see some part of the volcanic stuff that looks black DO NOT put your foot in it or else it will burn up your whole leg!!" Good to know--now I will be extra cautious around volcanoes!

Ivy, when we were paying a bill at the hospital and she was too "busy" for my liking so I was taking her by the arm and putting her on a spot on the wall: "You're HURTING me!! WHY DO YOU ALWAYS HURT ME! OW!" Seriously, all I could think of at the time was how much I WANTED to hurt her at that moment! Then she sat on the wall and smiled nicely at the receptionist.

When I went to call the kids for dinner I found Ivy and three friends shrink-wrapped to a light post. Good times.

Strangers

Last year we had a stranger scare in our neighborhood. I received a call from another parent letting me know that someone was driving around the neighborhood asking kids to help him find their lost puppy. It turned out to be another neighbor that we all know talking to a confused child but we spent an hour that evening rehearsing/role playing all various situations that might occur and how to handle them. We talked about our family's secret password. The kids took turns playing the "kid" and the "stranger". We had a great time and I was convinced that I had done my part to teach my kids what they needed to know to keep them safe.

Until the very next day when Ivy took a ride home with someone who was an acquaintance of mine and a stranger to her--I was not happy! I couldn't believe that the VERY NEXT DAY after we rehearsed for an HOUR that she took a ride from a stranger. There were extenuating circumstances where someone she did know and trust told her to get in the car with this other woman but still. I cannot figure out why she didn't ask for the password and/or refuse. And a big part of me was very frustrated with the person who was trying to "help".

Fast forward a year to this morning. I'm trying to teach the kids responsibility and accountability so when Ethan wouldn't get out of bed this morning he missed his ride and had to walk to school. I actually think Ethan prefers this lots of days and he loves to run so he woke up at 8:15 and left the house at 8:38 (school starts at 8:45) knowing full well that I was NOT going to excuse his tardiness and that unexcused tardies are a big deal at our house. (He totally got there on time!) A few minutes after he left a neighbor calls me, very concerned, because she saw Ethan on the way to school and saw a man she did not recognize call Ethan to his minivan and talk to him. She tried to turn around but by the time she did Ethan and the minivan were gone. That's so scary! I immediately called the school and discovered Ethan was in school. When I talked with him he said that he was very close to the school and had crossed the street when the van stopped, a man got out, and called him back. Ethan went back--which is totally the wrong thing to do and I told him, which is another frustration because we have been talking a lot lately about respect for authority and obedience. So I guess the new rule is you don't necessarily have to respect people you don't know. Especially ones who stop you on the way to school. When he went back the guy told him that he didn't see Ethan look both ways before he crossed the street. Really? Who does that? And anyway the way the street is Ethan only has to look ONE way--there is no other street--it's a "T" situation. It's hard not to be suspicious there's something else going one. And he had crossed the street safely!!

So here's a shout out to all the "helpful" people trying to keep my kids safe. Please just watch carefully if you're concerned and talk to me. If you don't know my kids STAY AWAY! If you see a strange kid do something irresponsible and/or careless here's a few suggestions: sigh, roll your eyes, talk to the air, groan, yell obscenities in your rear view mirror, tell the kids in the car how that is NOT ok, honk your horn, wag your finger at them, look the other way.... And be SUPER cautious when you're driving near a school. But NEVER stop a child you don't know, don't talk to them, don't ask them to come back to your vehicle, really I would prefer it if you didn't even make eye contact...

For the record Ethan says he did look and cross the street safely and the man showed up after he reached the other curb. (Which is what the neighbor seemed to see) I did let the school know that a stranger had stopped my son on the way to school and we will yet AGAIN talk about stranger danger and how respect for adults/authority figures does NOT apply in certain situations. And I will keep praying as always for my kids because it is NOT possible for me to prepare them for EVERY single possibility.

Three of My Favorite Mom "Come-Backs"

When Ivy comes upstairs and I say something like, "Ivy where are your socks?" and she says "Downstairs" and I say go get them and she of course starts ranting and raving that she was JUST down there and I say:
"Perfect! If you were just down there then you know the way!"

When I ask any of the four to do a chore and they say something like "I just did that one yesterday!" "You always ask me to do that--it's not fair" "I ALWAYS have to do that" then I say, with relief:
"I'm so glad you already know how--it will go so much faster that way!"

When the neighborhood girls (who are 2-3 years older than him and have been driving Nathan crazy for well over an hour while I was teaching piano) come to me and say "Nathan is chasing us with a stick!" and I say:
"You should run away." They say we are and I say:
"Good! I knew you could run faster than him!" and they say yes, but... and can think of nothing else and then go away. So later I go find Nathan who is hiding out with a very big stick and tell him he can't chase girls with sticks (although I am secretly hoping he chases girls away with sticks for the next several years) and he says "Mom, they won't leave me alone" and all I can think of to say is "Just don't do it anymore" because I know they were tormenting him and he was defending himself.

Sleeping Beauty

Waking Ethan up in the mornings has turned into a game of sorts. He pretends to be asleep and I do shocking, gross, and disgusting things to pull him out of his pretend stupor. This has been going on for well over a year and so far Ethan is able to fake sleep--by fake sleep I mean not move any muscle including his eyelids and mouth--through:

*wet willies--yes, this is thorougly disgusting but I was in a crazy mood one morning and it totally shocked him and made him sit straight up and jump out of bed but it doesn't work anymore. A wet willie is a wet finger in the ear--YUCK. I'm glad it doesn't work anymore.

*elbow massages--these are just annoying and I got the idea from my Uncle Hank who used to do it to my mother.

*Tickling the bottom of the feet--this only worked once. Another time I made it work by tickling the bottom of a foot and then "sneak" tickling him in the side but that won't work anymore.

*ice--I used to put it on his arms or slip it down his shirt but it doesn't work anymore.

*flashing the lights on and off--I've only done this a couple of times because I have to feel really annoying and stand there and do it for about 5 minutes before he gets annoyed enough to quit faking it.

*bacon--it's true. If I cook bacon he'll wake up every time. Unfortunately I don't cook bacon much for time/health reasons. I should just cook one piece a day and give it to the first kid up.

*'this little piggie'--worked one time, I think mostly because it was so ridiculous.

*popping toes--my grandma used to do it and I always hated it so I've only done it a couple of times. He 'sleeps' through it anyway.

*sitting on the edge of the bed and singing soft lovely lullabies and 'I love yous'--I want to try this but I haven't had the patience.

*water sprinkles--I'll just get a cup of water and flick it on him with my fingers. It doesn't work.

*squirt bottle--better than water sprinkles but not totally effective.

Anyway, you get the idea. I have to do crazy, creative, disgusting things and eventually one of two things will happen. (1) I will get frustrated and just pull his blanket off him and pull him off the bed--that means he won or (2) he will 'wake up' sputtering or even laughing--that means I won and we get a great start at the day.

But I have one surefire things that ensures he wakes up every time. I have full confidence that it will never stop working. And it is the least annoying (in my opinion) thing I have ever tried.

A kiss. How else to wake a sleeping beauty?

If I kiss him on the cheek he immediately rolls over, coughing, gagging, choking, sputtering, spitting, rolling over, and saying "Why? Yuck! Ooooh that's gross? Why'd you have to do that? That is sooooo disgusting! Get out of my room!!! I'm getting up OK?!! eeeewwwwww!!"

'Cause everyone knows a kiss on the cheek is so much more disgusting than a wet willie.